She Says

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can fly only by embracing each other."
- L. deCrescenzo

I am pinned to this ground by the weight of loss, by the weight of love. I am crushed by a simple combination of these two things. The memory of a lovers kiss is to remain just that. I am, once again, without embrace.

She says words I’ve never heard fall from her lips.
She says we will never be together.
She says Forever.
She says Never.
She says maybe she used my love.
She says maybe it was easy.
She says she loves me.
She says but really she doesn’t.

The past two years of my life have had certainty.
The past two years of my life have had cohesion.

My thoughts, since I met her, always returned to the same place, like a pack of horses galloping full stride for the home stable. Now they have dispersed, and not only do I find they are splintering, fragmenting into unknown fields, but perhaps that stable never existed. The stable is of course, symbolic of mutual love.

I wanted everything. My love for her was like death. It came for everything. It wanted everything. For the past four months I’ve been trying so hard to find her I’ve come to the realization that not only have I lost her, I’ve lost myself. Trying so hard to make something begin I’ve come to find the only thing that was ever there: the end.

And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know that's she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You'll never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know that she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know that she doesn't mean you
-She Says, Howie Day