curb your enthusiasm

By Rebecca Anne Rice

Michael likes to pretend he's Larry David, his life an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And sometimes it's pretty close.

Going to the grocery store with Michael is always an experience.

Michael hates going to the commisary (military grocery store) because the lights are "defeating" and give him a "big time headache", the "upsetting" crowds, and of course having to actually pay for the food which causes Michael to be EXTREMELY upset.

It goes like this... He drops me off and we establish a meeting time which never gives me enough time (25,000 Americans: 1 grocery store). Michael eventually comes in and goes through the checkout line with me after picking up his necessary items (5 boxes of granola bars and pudding packs galore).

So...

Two weeks ago: in the checkout line and there are these baggers that are expected to get tipped (not like H.E.B). So this little Korean woman eagerly pushes our cart out and is trying to make conversation. Michael has this about to explode look on his face and will not acknoledge that she is speaking at all. So the woman looks at him and says "You angry. Why you angry? Ooohhh, so angry!"...

Yesterday: the dreadful "we don't have any food again" day comes along and we nervously head to the grocery store knowing this can't turn out good. We're going through the check outline, I look back at Michael and having completely forgotten about the Korean woman I see him and the woman giving eachother this "10 paces and draw pistols" look. I know this cannot be good.

She starts pushing our cart and again attempts to make conversation. Michael's face is full of dread knowing she wants another tip. "I remember you. Last time you angry. I work here four years. Good memory, you angry, you angry!". She asks us if we have kids, how old we are...

Michael is actually smiling because the bill was smaller and it's a beautiful day. I'm just staring/smiling/half confused, listening to her talk in extremely broken english about her husband when she suddenely says "Give me tibel, give me tibel!!!"

Me: "tibel? what's tibel"
Korean woman: "TIP!! TIP!! GIVE ME TIP!!"

She then laughs maniacally, and as she waits for me to get the mula out, does a quick jab as she PUNCHES me in the arm?! Really hard!

???!!!

Little 47 year old Korean women can really throw down.

30 min. later in the room Michael's talking about something and I interupt for the 36th time: "I can still feel where she punched me, that really hurt."

From now on, grocery shopping is Michael's job.