Ferret On a Hot Tin Roof

One Hour Ago...

Panic strikes like an old, ominous clock when I walk into Theatre this morning and notice there is nothing but two crates sitting in front of the class. My eyes drift to the edge of the auditorium and I find my teacher hunched over and he appears to be sobbing.

My professor, who we now refer to as Brutus, thinks every lecture is some sort of tragicomedy which would be funny except that invariably we are the victims. By the end of each class session I understand entirely how Romeo felt and my pen is looking strangely similar to a dagger. I consider walking over to him, putting my arm around him, and cooing into his ear, “There, there Brutus. It’s alright! The Shakespeare Festival WILL return to Austin next summer.” My panic subsides when he brightens up and informs us that we, the students, will be responsible for writing next week’s exam. All I can think is, you’ve got to be kidding me.

**

Forty-five minutes ago...

“That’s what Josh Bronlowee has to wear when he’s writing tickets.”

I look over, am nearly blinded by the bright yellow shirt ticket officer shirt, and begin sweating. Yellow is not a color I’ve ever gotten along with. Composure returns and I muse, “Perhaps he should call his next album I Was Just Ticketing.”

Twenty-two hours ago...

Yesterday I captured my neighbors ferret by chasing it down with a small plastic pool and throwing it on top of him. After catching my breath and some self congratulatory antics, I yell across the street for them to come retrieve their small rodent. The girl begins walking over and in her arms is a FREAKIN ROOSTER. I pull the small plastic pool away and she grabs the ferrety ferret with her free arm. Then, and I swear I could not make this stuff up if I tried, she begins singing to the animals.

Look Ms. Rooster, it’s your sister!
You two love each other, sweet sisters!

During the song she begins pushing their faces together and trying to make them kiss. Well, what happened next should be pretty damn obvious. The rooster takes one look at the ferret, freaks out, and starts violently pecking away at the ferret’s face. Ferret goes crazy and begins making hissing noises and flipping out. She pulls them apart, but the damage is done.

She then gives me a surprised look that seems to say, I didn’t see that coming at all!!

I smile sadly and the yawning rift standing between me and the world steadily grows.