Disclosure

My most terrifying nightmare (which to no one I’ve ever disclosed):

I’m getting ready for school. After my normal routine of showering, followed by drying off and subsequently splashing water all over myself and countertop, all hell breaks loose. I begin to use the wrong bathroom products on different parts of my body, and can not stop. I brush my teeth with Paul Mitchell hair gel. I moisturize with mouthwash. I create a light mist of spray on deodorant and frolic through it, my hair smelling minty-fresh and (hopefully) a bit whiter.

My nightmare is a vanity product mismatch; my ultimate fear is a misguided tube of Crest.

Needless to say, I’ve never said this to anyone. Anyone. What does this mean? Have I reached a new form of intimacy with the Daily Rice? Without it, would I cry myself asleep at night, spooning with my monitor, clutching my mouse and clicking it until I fall asleep, whispering “Where’s my homepage?” Do they make promise rings for computers?

Somewhere out there, Dr. Kurweil, author of The Age of Spiritual Machines, is smiling.