Books, Doorknobs, Climbing Dogs, and How to Buy Fruit

Yesterday, while at Barnes and Noble with Dan Reiter, I made sure to get within earshot of unsuspecting customers before explaining my book purchase/rental theory. “You see Dan, Barnes and Noble has a 30 day return policy, and you can exchange a book within that time for another one. It’s just like the library, but you have to put down a $20 deposit.” It’s true-I worked there for a summer.

Dan lives about three blocks away from my ex-girlfriend, so I spent the afternoon contemplating whether or not to run up to the front door and touch the doorknob. You see, for a guy, this is the truest sign of bravery and more importantly closure. I don’t expect many to understand this, but the act is an undeniable statement saying, “Ha ha! Look at me now! Do you see how far I’ve come?? I truly have the upper hand at last.” You just have to make sure to stretch first and wear a good pair of running shoes.

Then we watched a North Face rock climbing video about a guy who taught his dog to climb. Later on, in an ill-advised moment of inspiration, we tried teaching his seven year old brother (since he doesn't have a dog) to boulder the deck.



Dan realizing he's not in the women's bracket anymore.



Now I’m at my Grandma’s house in Deer Park, and we just spent an entire hour buying… fruit. It's like she's buying a car or something, and is taking every caution before entering a 36-hour lease with the bananas.

Now we all have seen people in the fruit section with real serious/confused looks on their faces as they eye, smell, shake, press, and tap the crops, as if they’re trying to pick out the Holy Grail. My Grandma has no time for those methods of examination, and just bites into it. Literally. Between bites of a plum, right there in the fruit aisle, she says, “Oh yes, this one will do."