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Disclosure: If you have an aversion to religious criticism or what our particular society would consider bad language then don't read this. Of course, that former sentence only increases readership but whatever. If you don't like this stuff, go somewhere else.

Last night: A spiritual breakdown. There's no other way to put it. I'd be lying if I said the whole ordeal hasn't been in the making for some time. Dare I say twenty-two years even. The factors are many, and I don't even know where to start. This much I know is true.

1) There are individuals who have more intelligence in their thumbnail than I'll ever possess in my body and personal library. These men have constructed more eloquent arguments for the merits of Christianity than I will ever be able to prove, disprove, or possibly even understand. There is no doubt in my mind that their reasoning was done with utter sincerity and they are spending eternity in a state determined by their ideas and words.

2) The arguments that I happen to come across and the theories I am exposed to will never be complete nor objective. I am trapped in a world of personal circumstance, and my gravitation towards the ideas of Nietzsche vs. Lewis is based upon the arbitrary facts of my existence. For the small amount of studying I've done, which amazingly has the ability to fill my head and consume my thoughts-create an ethos and paradigm even, I am still utterly clueless.

Oh fuck it. I'm done with this one. Never mind. This is the worst blog EVER! Who am I to try and reason? Who am I to assert truth? Who am I to come up with pseudo-intellectual arguments that can be blown out of the water by smarter people? What the fuck does it matter what I think I can prove? Why can't I simply get past all the shit in my head and trust in Christ? Why must I have to dig through all the philosophical/religious/spiritual/anthropological (dis)information that I've been indoctrinated with? Why am I so fucked up by all of this? What do these words even mean?

While I cringe at religious (Godly) anthropomorphic metaphors I can safely say that if there is a door in my heart, God is knocking. Am I going to let him in? Hear Him out? Change my life? I swear for some reason I can't open that damn door. I try, and I try, and I try, but it's locked. It's locked from the inside.

Somehow though, for the first time in my life, I've managed to crack a window.