Y Chromosomes, My Hair, Bathroom Humor and Other Concerns

Dear City Dwellers,

William Blake once stated that “Great things are done when men and mountains meet.” My personal adage, however, would have to be “Great things are done when Michael has a mirror and hair gel" (see picture). This is what I would call universal knowledge, since I imagine that people of all cultures and societies would agree my uncanny abilities when it comes to styling the hair are extraordinary (once again, see picture).



This is why it was so puzzling when I found myself, early this morning, saying to Dan Reiter, “Sure… I’ll be over at 2:15 to pick you up for the camping trip.” CAMPING TRIP! Why that means bears, mountains, sleeping bags, no electricity, no mirrors, NO HAIR GEL! Oh boy…

So all the guys are leaving later this afternoon to face down destiny in the wilderness. Needless to say, I am filled with utter apprehension about the whole thing. There is just something that fills me with dread when I consider the abundance of Y chromosomes that will be in my near vicinity for the next 24 hours. This also means I will have to take a "crush moratorium" of sorts, unless I can find some beautiful mountain woman at Enchanted Rock. Hmmm. Maybe I can do this.

I have drafted a preliminary list of provisions that I must insist upon during the excursion, which I will submit to Erin O’Brien who will then have all the guys sign it. Some of the stipulations are as follows:

-No one can touch my hair, give me a noogie, or put me in a headlock.
-If I’m wearing the ipod! I am not to be disturbed.
-No bathroom humor. I can’t stress this one enough. It is grounds for my prompt departure (with refund, naturally).
-We must arrange the tents according to how The Fab Five from Queer Eye would see fit. Since I have extensive knowledge of the show and Thom’s tastes, I will be in charge of the decorating schemes and camp lay out.
-No one can touch my hair. Can’t say this one enough.
-A certain area of the camp site must be quarantined off for me spend personal grooming time. This area will be affectionately called “The Princess Bride.”
-If I want to watch Felicity, I’m going to watch Felicity.

There are many more, I assure you. In fact the final document stating my contingencies for participating in the trip comes out to 47 pages, not including a cover page. I might also mention we simply could not have picked a more dreadful and ominous day to do this; it’s about 40 degrees out and the sky is thick with dark clouds. On the bright side, however, this means no humidity, and as we all know humidity makes my hair puffy. Joy oh joy!

Until next time, I shall remain, ruggedly handsome,
Michael W. Rice