In Pursuit of Lightness

So recently I’ve been considering the myth of Oedipus, who, thanks in large part to Mr. Freud’s analysis (''shows us the fulfillment of our own childhood wishes''), we all know killed his father (King Laius) and married his mother (Queen Jocasta). The part of this tragic tale we often forget is the prophecy factor. If not for the oracle at Delphi the young Oedipus would never have fled Corinth, only to unknowingly murder his father in Thebes! I’m left wondering, (to borrow from Freud once more) do we subconsciously fulfill our worst fears, trapped within a psychosomatic fate?

My elderly neighbor Gwen gave me a piece of advice before my departure to the University of Kansas: “Don’t break too many hearts.” Quickly, I forgot that piece of cautionary wisdom and set out on a course that ultimately led me to do just that. Last night, I saw Sarah for what will be the last time. Although our relationship officially ended over 4 months ago, there was always that part of our hearts that simply refused acquiescence to the ultimate fate of our relationship. I muse over a poem that for the longest time yielded a bizzare sadist/masochistic comfort:

In murderous times, such as these,
The heart breaks and breaks,
And lives by breaking
-Krishna

Our hearts, it seems, have nothing within them left to break. There is only a void from which no light escapes.

My heart is of course slightly mitigated, or set free by the dissolution of our relationship. There is nothing harder than admitting, or succumbing to the notion that something which absorbed so much time, emotion, and love ultimately must wither away. While I am thankful for every moment I spent with her, every laugh we shared, the discoveries we made, my heart rebels against the fact it is over and is angry with our fate. The head and heart are often at war with each other, and it is the most painful of battles. Reconciliation between the two is a poignant one; they both feel weighed down by the absence of a lost love.

However, there is a certain sadness and pain that dissolves along with the relationship. If the melancholy trapped within me has been dragging me down for some time, then I am able to rise up in some respects, free from its weight. I have developed feelings for certain people over the last few months and have always stayed on the cautious side when it came to any pursuit, simply out of respect.

The beauty of engagement is disengagement, and as painful as it may be, the end of this relationship inherently brings the possibility of new ones. There is little choice but to shed the weight of the past, and search for a new future in splendid lightness.

These violent delights, have violent ends
-Romeo and Juliet